The Zebra Whisperer
by PinkBubblegumBliss
Summary: Barty is the only zebra whisperer in the world, and Regulus knows it better than anyone else. Barty Crouch jr./Regulus Black, based on an old LJ group called Merlin's Knickers. T for like nakedness and making out. But it's not explicit.


THIS WAS WRITTEN FOR BFF KENZIE AND BFF SARAH. I don't know BFF Sarah's FF username or anything, but obvs BFF Kenzie's is cutthroat pixie. They were both really excited for this, annnd...it's done!

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"My parents are going to bloody hate it if I take you to my house and you decide it's prime time for snogging, you know," Regulus growled as he and Barty found an empty compartment. Of course, Barty chose it as the perfect time to push him down onto the seat and kiss him, not even having the decency to close the small privacy curtains. "They hate it enough that Sirius," he paused as Barty tugged his lower lip with his teeth, prompting Regulus to kiss him again, before speaking as they broke apart just enough, "is with Remus."

"Less thinking, Merlin! You're too much thought processing, not enough kissing," he gripped Regulus's waist with great intent, and the moody teen wrapped his own arms around the slightly more insane.

"Barty. You're really going to have to stay at your house if you're going to behave like this."

"I'll stay at an inn!"

Of course, this must have seen to be a proper idea, and Regulus did consider this. "Stay at an inn then, it is a bit less conspicuous." But Bartemius pouted, and really? Now he just didn't know what was happening. "You'll see me plenty of times if you're around. And in that inn?" Regulus paused to nip Barty's still-protruding lower lip and smile vaguely. "Full privacy, no one walks in...your choice though."

Barty grinned and pressed his face in the crook of the other wizard's neck, already turning to sit beside him. "See? Isn't it brilliant, making sense? I'll send loads of owls while I'm at the inn. Though, the Kraken might be busy, because I'll have to owl Frank all of the time. All. Of. The time."

There was a silent praise to Merlin in Regulus' head, because the owl would be busy.

In the weeks of summer where he received few letters from Barty, and he was almost worried, but he remembered two things: There had been about five 'the Kraken's in Barty's life (first replaced by his mother, then his dear aunt Bellatrix had begun the process) and Barty was none the wiser; and most letters were going to Frank Longbottom to check on him and Lovinia.

Although the next two days at Grimmauld place, his floor was adorned in many rather risque letters from Barty. Completely covered, actually, and his face was quite red by now. The final letter was with Barty saying he would be visiting.

A knock on the door and the sound of Kreacher opening the door prompted Regulus to pull on a robe over his dressing gown and sprint down the stairs, gently dismiss Kreacher, and pull a...very naked Bartemius into his house, already pulling his own robe off to wrap it around Barty protectively.

"Reg!" he shouted before kissing his cheek, "I missed you!"

"Well, you know how to make an entrance, I'll give you that..." he half-chuckled and pressed his lips against Barty's forehead lightly.

"Come on, come on! We're going to the inn!"

"And where, exactly, is it?" And why aren't you wearing clothes, was a question that Regulus knew by this point not to ask. His last two letters did, after all, clear it up for him well enough.

"We're going to the Dragon King Hotel!"

Oh, the place with...Drake. And London...and who was that unfortunate wizard with the weird attachment to his feather duster? Co...Cory? Cody? Cody! "Alright, alright fine, let's just bloody go..." And with a cry of triumph Barty had him outside and mounted on a...zebra?

"This is Arthur! Hi Arthur, let's go back now! We have Reg, we can go! Mush!"

"Er, hello, Arthur," Regulus said awkwardly, giving a pat to the zebra's side. Part of him wanted to question where he got the zebra from, but he knew the answer: the zoo. But Arthur the zebra started to...did zebras gallop? Whatever it was doing, it was in motion, and so Regulus gripped Barty tightly around the waist.

"He followed me to the hotel because he wanted to be liberated," Barty explained excitedly before leaning to coo and make kissy faces at the zebra, "because Arthur is a rebellious little zebra, yes he is!" Somehow, despite that they were riding a zebra, Barty had managed to snuggle quite comfortably into Regulus's chest. The most strange urge to chide Barty for belittling the rebellious zebra bubbled up, but died back down because of the sheer absurdity of the idea.

"Are you sure we couldn't take the Knight Bus?"

"But Arthur offered us the ride! You can't just get off of the zebra mid-journey just to get on the Knight Bus with us, it's rude." Regulus didn't so much as think Arthur had kindly offered as he did swish his tail, Barty interpreting that as some kind of proposal to be their mode of transport. But then, Barty must've been...hm. What. Either way, he had managed to drift off, and when the zebra came to a stiff halt in the parking lot...well, Regulus took a bit of a slip, and with a yawn stretched out on the concrete.

"Are we there yet?" Much more gracefully than Regulus had, Barty leapt off of Arthur the Rebellious Zebra, grabbed Regulus's hand, and ran with him to the front of the hotel. With a wave to London as they walked to the elevator (she waved back cheerfully), they got in and...Barty pushed all of the buttons. Of course.

"Have you seen your parents at all lately?" Regulus questioned with a small frown. The robe had fallen off of Barty, and Barty was very naked again. And they were in an elevator. Ignoring temptation that he didn't even realize would be there, he picked the robe from the floor and wrapped it again around Barty.

"Lunch with mum yesterday, actually," he replied airily, watching the elevator doors open and shut as they raised in floor levels. He had in fact eaten lunch with his mother several times that week. And the weeks before that as well, really. He just didn't want to be home, because in truth? His father was a complete fucktard, and Bartemius Crouch jr. did not like to associate with such stuffy and uptight people.

"That's nice," Regulus commented before stepping out on their floor.

"I know, there was cake." Barty looked quite pleased with himself as he said this, and Regulus gave him a curious look.

"Can we have cake?"

"Fuck yes, we'll order room service."

Passing a window with Barty, Regulus noticed that the zebra was contentedly standing in a parking spot. Barty threw the window open and hung halfway out (Regulus holding his waist to make sure he wouldn't fall to a dramatic death) and started calling to the zebra, "HI ARTHUR! I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN DOWN THERE!" Barty was waving enthusiastically at the zebra before leaning back into the corridor once again.

If Regulus wasn't mistaken, the zebra swished its tail in response. Certainly Barty understood this, though, because somehow he understood everything the zebra was saying. But with a fleeting, "Bye Arthur! Have fun!" Barty had begun walking with Regulus again. But Regulus stopped them with a small frown and looked at Barty.

"How do you know what Arthur is saying, anyway?"

"I am the zebra whisperer. The only one in the entire world."

"Well that's something to put in a résumé."

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_Hopefully this is up to scratch for the two of you, and well, anyone from Merlin's Knickers that sees this. :D_  
_Much love, besos y abrazos~_  
_-PinkBubblegumBliss xx _


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